Week 247: Black and White and Wed All Over


Joey Buttafuoco & Amy Fisher: "You're 16, You're Beautiful and You're Mine"

Ray Charles & Terri Gibbs: "Dancing in the Dark"

Roseanne & Rush Limbaugh: "I Feel the Earth Move Under My Feet"

Keith Richards & Courtney Love: "I've Got You Under My Skin"

This Week's contest was suggested by Jessica Steinhice of Washington, who wins herself a man. Jessica is now, suddenly, Jessica Steinhice Mathews, and she is now living in Arlington, and she suggests the following contest: Propose the marriage of two people, and the song they should not play at their wedding. The people must be a man and a woman. They can dead or alive, real or fictional. First-prize winner gets a silk pillow from the U.S. Marine Corps featuring the following poem: "When the Golden Sun is sinking / And your heart from care is free / When of others you are thinking / Will you then remember me?" 

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser's Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 247, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to altar entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. In a land of the stupid, called Tickle-My-Ear / Lived a man whose dumbness was dumber, I fear / His neighbors were dense, but he was a lot denser / They called him David, old David Genser. Next Week: Agatha Christie ear credit. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 244, in which you were asked to create new words, and define them, by combining two halves of different hyphenated words found in any article in that day's Washington Post.

Sixth Runner-Up: Can-scape, n., an NFL huddle, as viewed by a female fan.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Fifth Runner-Up: Bee-bump-dee-docking, n., the maneuver recently performed by the Mir spacecraft. (Jessica Steinhice Mathews, Arlington)

Fourth Runner-Up: Class-trates, v., cuts classes. (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

Third Runner-Up: Ef-noying, adj., describes the constant and unnecessary use of profanities by stand-up comics. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Second Runner-Up: Au-veys, n., live-in nannies from Tel Aviv. They get Saturdays off.

(Charlie Myers, Laurel)

First Runner-Up: Preg-town, n., Carlisle, Iowa. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

And the winner of the Princess rotary phone:

Sex-nipulativeness, n., the ability of women to control men simply by not wearing bras. (Robin D. Grove, Columbia)

Honorable Mentions:

Insis-ipants, n., describes the condition when a 12-year-old boy is dressed by his mother in a sailor suit. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Ex-uality, n., being attractive to your former spouse. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia)

Metropoli-gist, n., any spokesperson for the D.C. government. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.)

Neigh-in-law, n., those pesky folks next door who have practically taken over your life. (Jessica Steinhice Mathews, Arlington)

Lust-sylvania, n., a state whose capital is Feeladelphia. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Neigh-tion, n., horse country.

(Richard Stromberg, Front Royal)

Exam-cide, n., while taking the SAT, the act of accidentally marking the answers to question #3 in the bubble for question #4, ad infinitum. (David Genser, Arlington)

Crimi-lectuals. n., super-smart bad guys, like Dr. Moriarty and Lex Luthor. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Lawmak-eral, n., a fishy attorney; a congressman (Richard Stromberg, Front Royal)

Ultra-middle-class, n., a new sub-category in socioeconomics, above upper-middle class, describing those persons who are millionaires, but are just getting by. (Steve Ettinger,

Chevy Chase)

Girl-dozen, v., to send your wife or lover flowers to smooth over an argument. "I don't think Shirley is still mad, but I girl-dozened her anyway." (David Genser, Arlington)

Condi-birth, n., term for the rare failure of birth control in which a baby is born with a condom on his head. (Andrea Kelly, Silver Spring)

Agree-vate, v., to reach consensus that none of the parties likes. (Richard Stromberg,

Front Royal)

Pro-gle, v., to serve as the official photographer of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

(Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.)

Four-scored, v., to have given a dramatic speech, as in "He four-scored the kids about his bad experience with drugs." (Daniel Kravetz, Washington)

Cen-ator, n., Strom Thurmond in seven years. (Richard Stromberg, Front Royal)

Pow-suasion, n., carpet bombing. (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

Pub-lems, n., daily gripes that bartenders hear from their customers. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington)

Law-cenies, n., fees charged by attorneys (Richard Stromberg, Front Royal)

Perva-gram, n., in the days before the telephone, people would use the telegraph to send obscene messages, like, HEAVY BREATHING STOP HEAVY BREATHING STOP. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Semi-speak, n., the ridiculous voice-over censorship when an R-rated movie is edited for TV, and some toothless street person with scars and tattoos says "oh, darn." (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

In-ing, n., when someone in musical theater publicly exposes a heterosexual without his/her consent. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Desper-dog, n., the frantic animal with the full bladder that greets you at the door when you return home after working late. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Interview-lelujah, n. the interview with St. Peter to get into Heaven. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Flat-meter, n., a vandalized District of Columbia parking device. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Vacu-stan, n., the nation with the world's lowest population density. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Pro-bivalent, adj., strongly undecided.

(David Genser, Arlington)

Incredi-tor, n. an employee of a collection agency who doesn't believe you lost your job and your wife, five kids, mother and father-in-law are in the hospital. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Clas-als, n., group cello lessons.

(Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.)

Cat-stincts, n., having an innate sense of when it is time to change the litter box. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

In-came, n., last year's salary.

(David Genser, Arlington)

Semi-out, n., the ruling of an indecisive umpire. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

Histo-date, n., a much older companion.

(Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia)

Shortsighted-crats, n., congressmen

(John Kammer, Herndon)

Cadil-phalism, n., the notion that big, expensive cars are sexy. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

And last:

De-net, v., to construct a contest that cannot be entered by Washington expatriates who read The Invitational only through the Internet. Primary examples are cartoon contests, because the Web site does not post cartoons or illustrations, and hyphenation contests, because the Web site word-wraps without hyphenating. (Alex Hoffman, Waltham, Mass)

Next Week: Like Fun